Me giving something back

This year I’m giving something back, I am running the Cheltenham Half Marathon in September and all money raised will go towards a Sensory Circus Christmas Treat for the children at Alderman Knight Special School, Tewkesbury.


I’m very lucky to be a healthy 26 year old so why not use my health to do something good, I would love to send the Travelling Light Circus over to the school at Christmas and make it a Christmas to remember.

Every year we celebrate Christmas with our families and friends and sometimes take for granted what we currently have. The world is a very strange place at times and we tend to forget about all the amazing things that life offers and how just a single person can make such a difference to someone’s life just by a smile.

The smiles that I want to see are from the children at Alderman Knight School, Tewkesbury, a well-established special school for children aged 4-16 with moderate and additional learning difficulties, complex needs and Autistic Spectrum Disorders.

Over the past year I have worked closely with the school and my heart has not only got bigger, but I have realised how tough it can sometimes be for both children and parents and a smile on both faces would make running 13 miles worth it.

Why a Sensory Light Circus? First of all it’s fun, but still has the same benefits of a sensory room. They can help to stimulate the senses, as well as relax and calm people down. Senses can be stimulated by following flashing, colourful lights, pressing buttons, hearing noises and sounds and feeling different textured materials. They can also help to stimulate senses and help to gain a sensory experience, develop new skills and explore their senses.

The travelling Light Circus have offered to get involved and host the Sensory Circus and all we need is at least £500 to make this the best Christmas the children at Alderman Knight have ever had.

Please donate as much as possible and you too will feel that glow in your heart!! 

Kims Logo 2-page-001 (1)x


Everything needs a face

Hey Guys

It’s only a short message today but i finally have my new logo.

Please, please let me know what you think.

My boyfriend is a graphic designer and he did this as a surprise for me.

I totally love it, quite possibly the best present ever!!! Kims Logo 2-page-001 (1)OCD Smiles x

Why Why Why????

Hey Everyone

Today’s post is a little bit of a rant which may not have anything to do with OCD or mental health, but you know those days where you just need to be a keyboard warrior for 15 minutes? Yep that’s me right now, so please bare with.

Over the last few days I have had various things going on in my life which has really helped me open my eyes.


I’m a positive person, I care an awful lot about everything, I try to see the best in everyone and every situation, but recently (I am being a negative Norman, I know) I find that people who know nothing about a situation all of a sudden have a PHD and cast their judgement before actually knowing the full story. Why??

I’m confused why people believe everything they hear, read and gossip about? I don’t get why people feel a need to get involved, cast judgement and form an opinion when they actually have no idea about any of it??

In today’s world I feel like there’s some sort of weird hierarchy…pretty vague I know but do you know what I mean? People that think they are better than others and tend to judge super quick, erm why? What happened to not being better than anyone? What happened to helping people up rather than pushing them down?


I’m probably being pretty harsh and like I said a Negative Norman, but why isn’t the world and people like how they are in my head? I get that life is hard and I get that people have their own opinions but why get involved in something you know nothing at all about? Why throw you’re two penneth (OLD SCHOOL) around and why the hell are people so naive and sheep-like to follow that opinion rather than growing some balls and forming their own and questioning information they are being given?


The world right now is a pretty crazy right? I feel that there’s a negative hold over people, always assuming the worst, waiting for something bad to happen. What If….. we don’t?

  • What if we believe that the world is actually awesome and not everything is out to get us?
  • What if we don’t get involved in other people’s situations and we only focus on things that affect us?
  • What if we stopped judging people based on rumor?
  • What if we actually listen rather than assume?
  • What if we turn Negative Norman into Positive Pauline?

I’m sorry for the rant, I really am. But I do feel much better now!!

Please let me know if you have ever felt like this.

Until next time remember that every single person on the planet has a story. Don’t judge people before you truly know them. The truth might surprise you.

“Maybe one day we will be the best of friends”

Okay so Christmas has been and gone and this is usually when I start to have the ‘bad days’, after all that fun (and constant distractions) it’s like you’re in the eye of a tornado – so quiet and calm but you can’t shake off that feeling that in any second shit is going to hit the fan. This usually happens year on year and then I kind of go downhill for a few months….ITS EXHAUSTING!!

BUT this year I have a plan



Over the Christmas holidays I learnt quite a lot about myself (I know how cringe it sounds) but I did a lot of good things that made me feel like a ‘good human being’. I went to serve food to people who were going to be alone at Christmas, I bought food for homeless people, I watched my younger cousin compete in the National Synchronised Swimming Competition, I spent a stupid amount of time laughing and giggling at my family and friends but no matter where I was or what I was doing Mr Black (which is a persona I have created for my OCD, after watching the Disney film Inside out – which is a cracking film!!!) was coming along with me.


If I wanted to have fun, laugh and just be stupid then he would be there like “NAHHH HUUUUH Hunni you aint having no fun today” (yeah he kind of has a diva American accent and when he throws horrible intrusive thoughts at me I imagine it to be like he’s throwing a Pokémon ball) but over Christmas the more stuff he tried to throw at me the more I was determined to be rational (COMPLETELY UNLIKE ME!!)


Usually when I have horrible intrusive thoughts I tend to clam up and feel like I should run around in a circle with my hands in the air, cry then scream and then tell myself what a bad person I must be to have thoughts like this. But this time was different – I knew that they were just THOUGHTS, I knew that it was just Mr Black trying to ruin the day with his shit. I felt like, really really calm, like I was ready and after 9 years of taking his shit I was actually ready to fight back, I mean like really ready, like I was finally in control.

I guess I’m going off track a little but the thing that I learnt about myself was that I’m in control, no one else, JUST ME!! So no matter how many times Mr Black throws his Pokémon ball at me I’ll open it up (rather than being scared) I’ll lie it down on the floor and I’ll be rational, then I’ll close it back up and throw it right back at his ugly face!!4

I’ll tell you now Mr Black isn’t going anywhere any time soon, so ya know what? He’s going to come on my journey with me, he’s going to HAVE to get used to all the stuff I do because I’m not giving the things of love up just because of OCD and why should I, when I’m the one who is in control, who knows maybe one day we will be best of friends.


For some of you that are reading this it’s going to be hard to do anything rational at all when you have one of those dreaded moments, but if you can do anything at all then do this:

  • Lie down on the floor or bed or anywhere just make sure you lie down (actually not anywhere, please don’t take that literally, I don’t want anyone to get hurt)
  • Close your eyes (make sure they are super super closed, like when they are closed so hard that you have that weird vibration that goes through to your ears, after you have done one hard close, just soften your eyes but keep them closed)
  • Give your shoulders a little role and then do a massive stretch while your lay down, stretch your arms and legs as far as they will go like try and reach both ends of the room with them
  • 10 deep breaths, like real deep ones and just focus on the sound you make as you breathe in and out.
  • Now this helped me but it might not do it for everyone – when your breathe in – imagine your breathing in the good stuff, the light, the stuff that makes you so happy that you want to pee a little. Then when you breathe out – imagine that it’s all the horrible stupid intrusive thoughts; they are red lava so push those little twats out as hard as you can.
  • Then just lie there and relax – It will be hard but after that 5-10 mins you will feel much more like you and not OCD/Anxious you.

Like I said it may not work for everyone but that’s just what I do when I’m feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.


This blog is a little all over the place but hopefully you will know what I mean.

Until next time remember:

2016 is your year, make it count and smile because you have no idea how many lives just one smile can save.

“I’m late because of my OCD”

Hey Again….

How is it almost Christmas?


This year has flown by, I can’t decide if I like it or not?


Well today was a bit of a funny one. I was asked to go and do some mock interviews with year  10 & 11 students at a special needs school. I had a range of children that I needed to see all around 15 – 16 years old with various disabilities including autism, asperger’s, mental illnesses and physical problems; I’ve worked with disabled children in the past and it’s something that I loved.

Anyway, I was prepped and ready to steer the kids through their first EVER interview, I told myself I would be the ‘good cop’ I didn’t want to scare them, if anything I wanted to make them excited. I wanted to hear what they wanted to do when they left school, what their ambitions and aspirations were? Were they the same as mine when I was 15? An author on a Monday, a dolphin trainer on a Wednesday and a teacher on a Friday then retire when I’m 40 – I wish someone bought me down to earth, retiring when I’m 40 would be great!!!


So after the first interview everything went smoothly and as expected. I interviewed a young girl who was eager to learn about graphic design and she was like a sponge, she was ready to soak in all the information that she possibly could.

Yeah, the morning was going just great, nothing that had taken me by surprise, nothing that had made me think ‘Why am I doing this’, nothing but smiles and fun. Altogether I had interviewed 8 pupils and my second from last interview was a girl, I hadn’t been prepped by any of the teachers beforehand about their disability or illness, however, one of the teaching assistants came in to prep me on this particular girl. I was told that she’s very hard to ‘get along with’ she can come across rude, uninterested, and may have a bad attitude.


I thought perfect, a challenge.

In she walked and yep, she was very hard to read.

She didn’t take to me, she was constantly checking the time on her watch and I could see she had no interest in being a chef at all. She did have good eye contact, but it was more of a stare off and she won every single time. The more she tried to end the interview the more I wanted to find out why? What was she passionate about, what did she love? I asked her some questions about her time-keeping (mainly because the school wanted to know) that’s when it came out….

“I’m always late because I have OCD”

Okay and how does that make you late (she blatantly thought I was being patronising?)

“Do you know anything about OCD, it’s a mental illness” ( she was kind of raising her voice at me, but I was ready for this one, it’s like I was at a pub quiz and I actually knew the answer)

Yes I do know about OCD, actually I know a lot about it because I suffer from it myself

No you don’t

Yes I do, are you currently having CBT? (for some reason I asked the question, I felt like I needed to drop in some ‘OCD keywords’ so she would believe me)

Are you on any tablets…….?

Then the conversation went on from there, she told me that she had OCD from when she was a child and rituals she had to do morning, afternoon and night, she gets horrible intrusive thoughts and she doesn’t know why. When your young you don’t really understand why things happen? And with OCD it’s even more intense so I could see where she was coming from, its easy to play the ‘why me’ card when you don’t understand.

We talked about all sorts including what she does to help, how often she meditates, if she speaks with anyone about her thoughts, whatever came into her head at that precise moment I was willing to talk to her about, it was pretty clear she hadn’t been this open with anyone before.

Now I’m 25, and I’ve had OCD from when I was a teenager, but watching a 15 year old girl talk about it for the first time to a complete stranger was like watching all the weight being lifted from her. Now I don’t know this for sure, but I think I’m the first person she had actually met that had OCD (but REAL OCD, not the ‘I’m a little bit OCD’ OCD) she opened up and told me that she loved baking cakes, but more the icing and designing the look of the cake. It was like I was speaking to a completely different girl. She trusted me. We had a weird but wonderful mutual respect, its like we both knew what the other was going through and it was okay.


I’m going to get all deep and emotional now (switch off if your one of those hard knuckled people) but when the weight lifted from the young girls shoulders it was like she had found hope. I’m no different from any one else who is dealing with the annoying Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but she could see I was smiling, and yes I’m still dealing with the OCD but that’s only a tiny part of me, I laugh all day every day at all the stupid things I do, im ambitious, im in love, I have everything I need and I’m unique. Yep I have OCD, but that doesn’t define me and I think that’s what made the young girls day, realising that OCD doesn’t have to define you, in fact, it’s only a small part of who you actually are.

It’s funny how the most unusual situations can bring people together, I have spoken to the girls teacher and offered a listening ear if ever she needed it.

So, until next time tell yourself:

“I have OCD, but OCD does not have me”

The Russian Man

Hey again….I’ve missed you guys!!

Over the last few weeks you have all made me super super happy, so thank you all for just being you!!big_grin_smiley_face_sticker-p217746367994550126envb3_400

So my last blog kind of explained who I am, what type of OCD I have and exactly what I’m doing about it.

So why do I do this? Why tell the world? Why let people judge you?

Well, lets look at this slightly differently, If this was Mastermind then Pure O would be my specialist subject, not because I like it, but because I can share what I experience with the world and then maybe, just maybe, people wouldn’t give you that look (you know the one) the one where they kind of feel sorry for you but also think your slightly crazy? It’s a look that they usually give to dogs when they are chasing their tail – HATE THAT LOOK. It annoys me so much, I literally want to say:

“Come and have a wonder inside my head see how long you last before you want to go back to your own body”


My aim is to attempt to help break the stigma and mainly to help you laugh at all the funny, annoying, stressful, and hilarious situations that our OCD puts us in, I wanted this post to be a little different, I want to explain a real life situation that happened to me – THE RUSSIAN MAN.

At the time this event scared the living daylights out of me, I became anxious, crying, stressed, humiliated and a little bit annoyed that it had even happened. I wasn’t in control and that’s what scared me the most, I had an annoying energy whispering thoughts into my head and I would initially obsess over them, wondering if they were true or not.

Okay I’ll start, so I was on holiday with my family last year with mum, dad, my brother and his girlfriend (my best friend) we flew to Egypt, which if you haven’t been, is totally AMAZING!!! Although if you’re not good with the heat I’d take one of those mini fans, scrap that, take a huge fan, I’d even suggest an igloo.

So we were about day 5 of 7 into the holiday and obviously when you’re in your mid 20’s with your best friend and brother you think:

“yeahhh lets have some cocktails and hit the clubs”images

(By clubs I mean the only one that was in the hotel, which was basically a black room with some fairy lights – they really spent their budget on that area!!! Everywhere else looked a bit dodge so that was our only option)

We’re in this club – picture me with the most hideous dance moves ever, yeah I’m in my 20’s but I can’t dance at all, I could see European people dancing and they were amazing and then there was me, like the tin man on heat!!


Halfway through the night my brother and his girlfriend went outside to get some fresh air and I said I’d wait inside, I was happy sipping my cocktail and listening to the Egyptian remixes (they were ummm different). Then I thought I’ll sit down on a little stool  


I turned round and there was a normal, average 30 something, Russian man sat at the same table on the other side sipping his drink, just enjoying life, probably daydreaming about what’s happening in Corrie, yeah he was a happy chappy!

Then out of nowhere MR O ‘FREAKING’ C D comes out to play:

“Hey it’s me I’m just here to ruin your night…..

You totally just kissed the Russian guy”


“Yep you literally snogged his face off”


“You defo kissed him, what a cheat, your boyfriend is going to hate you, hurry call him and tell him you cheated, quick!!!”


“Tut tut tut cheating on your boyfriend, what a bad human being you are, everyone going to hate you, you’re so much better off on your own”

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE (It was like a rubbish episode of Jeremy Kyle inside my head)

Instantly I removed myself from the situation and went to find my bro & his girlfriend, I told them everything that had happened, they did all the reassuring that they could but my OCD was still yapping on

“They wasn’t there they don’t know”

So I was in a right state!!

Some of you may be thinking “well if you know you didn’t do it, just tell yourself that, SNAP OUT OF IT, you would know”

This is where Mr Pure O isn’t a very nice thing, it will yap on and on, thinking all sorts of things, nothing, and I MEAN NOTHING is rational. Absolutely everything is irrational, but because of the stress and anxiety everything seems so real! You no longer trust yourself because the whole “WHAT IF” thing happens.

So what do you do in this state? Well I’ve come a very very long way since that episode but at the time I needed reassurance (which I know isn’t the answer, but at the time it was a quick fix)

(ADVICE – When you choose a best friend, make sure you choose one that doesn’t care how stupid they sound or how weird they look, as long as they can pull you out of the darkest times into the light that’s all that matters to them)


My best friend strolled over to the Russian guy and asked him out right if he had kissed me, snogged me, done anything with me. He didn’t have a clue what was going on, (in fact I felt quite sorry for the guy) he didn’t speak a word of English but it was pretty clear he had no idea who I was, no idea who anyone was and he was just happy sipping his drink thinking of Corrie – That reassurance did the trick but it wasn’t the long term fix.

That’s the thing with reassurance, it’s not always healthy, the “WHAT IF” factor comes back and no matter how much reassurance you get from other, you are the only one that can stop it.

After months and months of false guilt and even now wondering if I did actually kiss the Russian guy, I’ve told myself that I know ‘me’ better than OCD does, my family and friends know me better than that thing, and my boyfriend knows me better than anything.  It’s hard, like, really really hard, but over time we will learn to trust ourselves, we shouldn’t be scared to do the things our OCD makes us worry about, we shouldn’t stop doing anything because life really is too short. And who is this OCD to tell us what to do with our lives?


So until next time remember, while you are reading this someone is taking their last breath wishing they were you. Grab that little OCD thing and kick it where it hurts, show it that laughter and happiness is the biggest weapon.

Do you have any stories that you can now look back on and laugh?

The Obsessive Compulsive Dickhead

Okay, so im not really sure how we do this? Do I start with my name? Do I just go straight into it? Here we go….

Hi, hey, hello, welcome, ola, Gooday. This is my first attempt at writing a blog so please don’t judge to harshly and just bare with me, the good bits are after the intro. So I’m 25, im a female and I would say I’m pretty normal (well im not too sure exactly what normal is, if were talking about the usual pretending to be Mary Berry on a weeknight, eating loads of junk food telling yourself next week is THE week it all changes and laughing at some really un-funny things –even though we all know they are actually quite funny, but we’re mature now so we cant laugh, not out loud anyway, then im your girl)


At some point I will reveal my name but in my first few posts I think it’s better I leave that out for a while, I like the thought of you all conjuring up an image of who I am. People have told me I remind them of a meerkat and my nickname is shrimp. ( ‘so cute like a meerkat but nosey as fuck, and small and pink like a shrimp’) A half meerkat, half shrimp is good-looking right? Slightly off track here.

I’m guessing you’re thinking ‘why has she called this blog The Obsessive Compulsive Dickhead’ she hasn’t even spoken about OCD she’s just trying to be funny….its true, I am, sorry. (start acting your age woman)

Have you ever been in a room where there are loads of people but you feel like you’re super lonely? Ever wanted to wake up as someone else? Ever wished that someone could be in your body and brain just for a few hours to see what its like? Yup, ive had all of those thoughts and do you know what, THEY PISS ME THE F@#K OFF!! So, quite simply I’ve decided to do something about it, and sharing my journey with you guys is my first step.

So I hear you all asking whyyyyyy? Why are you feeling so alone? Why do you want to be someone else? Well remember the title? Obsessive Compulsive Dickhead? Yup I have an annoying OCD Dickhead situated at the forefront of my brain. We have been together for about 8 years on and off, we disagree on everything and I have been trying to get it to move out for the whole duration. My OCD Dickhead isn’t the stereotyped OCD that you may have heard of, I don’t obsessively clean the house, I don’t wash my hands constantly, I don’t have any rituals that I have to carry out, I have Pure O.

I’ll attempt to explain but im no professor. My Pure O is intrusive thoughts and they are constant, they are all the things that you don’t want to think of, everything that you are not, imagining your worst fears and worrying that you will act upon them, constantly analysing things, constantly over thinking (believe me its pretty draining, I’d rather hill sprint up Everest with no coat on)


Confused? struggling to understand? Okay, imagine your worst fear, like the really bad stuff, the stuff you don’t want to think about because it’s so horrible……yup that stuff. Now imagine thinking of that 24 hours a day….imagine going to work or school and constantly thinking those things. Some of you will probably think, ‘nahhhh I just wouldn’t think about them’, well Pure O is a little shit, no matter how hard you try it just wont go, then you try even harder and think logically and how silly those thoughts are and how you would NEVER, EVER, EVER do anything like that….buttttt nope it’s still there, sitting comfortably on the sofa watching s**t get cray. Trust me if I could dropkick OCD in the balls I would, I’d put it in a headlock and squeeze till the little f**k is gone. Want to know my biggest tool to fight this p***k? Laughter, taking the mick out of it, (yes it’s stupidly hard I know, and its taken a good while to get used to this, but laugh, laugh so so so hard that tears come from your eyes)

Just yesterday I went to a OCD support group and I don’t think I have ever laughed at my OCD so much, this may not work for everyone but it certainly helped me and the other members, we laughed and laughed, im so used to OCD being the main topic of every conversation (its boring as f**k) and it was nice to have people in the exact same boat laughing. We laughed at situations our OCD had left us in, we laughed at how ridiculous some of our thoughts were and we laughed at each other, honestly it was the best feeling ever, I haven’t felt that NORMAL (whatever that is) in a long time.

Okay, I can imagine some of you now switching off and thinking, ‘here we go another pretend professor who wants to tell the world her problems’ ya know what though, I don’t.

I want people out there with OCD (all types, I’m not fussy) to read this and laugh, I want you to feel like everything is going to be okay, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I want the world to laugh because honestly, I do think laughing is the best medicine. Lets take the piss out of this little OCD f**k, lets fight It together because what gives it the right to take over our lives?


So I would like to invite you, yesssss you, to join me on my journey of divorcing this little t**t. I know its going to be a hard one but I always like to think that there is a reason as to why I have OCD, im not sure why and im certainly not that happy about it….. I mean giving me a chocolate fountain or tickets to Harry Potter World would have been better, but I guess OCD will have to do for now.

Until next time remember, the sun always shines on the people who need it most, never give up because life is beautiful.