Hey again….I’ve missed you guys!!
Over the last few weeks you have all made me super super happy, so thank you all for just being you!!
So my last blog kind of explained who I am, what type of OCD I have and exactly what I’m doing about it.
So why do I do this? Why tell the world? Why let people judge you?
Well, lets look at this slightly differently, If this was Mastermind then Pure O would be my specialist subject, not because I like it, but because I can share what I experience with the world and then maybe, just maybe, people wouldn’t give you that look (you know the one) the one where they kind of feel sorry for you but also think your slightly crazy? It’s a look that they usually give to dogs when they are chasing their tail – HATE THAT LOOK. It annoys me so much, I literally want to say:
“Come and have a wonder inside my head see how long you last before you want to go back to your own body”
My aim is to attempt to help break the stigma and mainly to help you laugh at all the funny, annoying, stressful, and hilarious situations that our OCD puts us in, I wanted this post to be a little different, I want to explain a real life situation that happened to me – THE RUSSIAN MAN.
At the time this event scared the living daylights out of me, I became anxious, crying, stressed, humiliated and a little bit annoyed that it had even happened. I wasn’t in control and that’s what scared me the most, I had an annoying energy whispering thoughts into my head and I would initially obsess over them, wondering if they were true or not.
Okay I’ll start, so I was on holiday with my family last year with mum, dad, my brother and his girlfriend (my best friend) we flew to Egypt, which if you haven’t been, is totally AMAZING!!! Although if you’re not good with the heat I’d take one of those mini fans, scrap that, take a huge fan, I’d even suggest an igloo.
So we were about day 5 of 7 into the holiday and obviously when you’re in your mid 20’s with your best friend and brother you think:
“yeahhh lets have some cocktails and hit the clubs”
(By clubs I mean the only one that was in the hotel, which was basically a black room with some fairy lights – they really spent their budget on that area!!! Everywhere else looked a bit dodge so that was our only option)
We’re in this club – picture me with the most hideous dance moves ever, yeah I’m in my 20’s but I can’t dance at all, I could see European people dancing and they were amazing and then there was me, like the tin man on heat!!
Halfway through the night my brother and his girlfriend went outside to get some fresh air and I said I’d wait inside, I was happy sipping my cocktail and listening to the Egyptian remixes (they were ummm different). Then I thought I’ll sit down on a little stool
THIS IS WHERE ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE
I turned round and there was a normal, average 30 something, Russian man sat at the same table on the other side sipping his drink, just enjoying life, probably daydreaming about what’s happening in Corrie, yeah he was a happy chappy!
Then out of nowhere MR O ‘FREAKING’ C D comes out to play:
“Hey it’s me I’m just here to ruin your night…..
You totally just kissed the Russian guy”
NO I DIDN’T
“Yep you literally snogged his face off”
BUT IM SAT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE, I HAVENT EVEN SPOKEN TO HIM
“You defo kissed him, what a cheat, your boyfriend is going to hate you, hurry call him and tell him you cheated, quick!!!”
BUT IVE BEEN MESSAGING HIM ALL NIGHT
“Tut tut tut cheating on your boyfriend, what a bad human being you are, everyone going to hate you, you’re so much better off on your own”
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE (It was like a rubbish episode of Jeremy Kyle inside my head)
Instantly I removed myself from the situation and went to find my bro & his girlfriend, I told them everything that had happened, they did all the reassuring that they could but my OCD was still yapping on
“They wasn’t there they don’t know”
So I was in a right state!!
Some of you may be thinking “well if you know you didn’t do it, just tell yourself that, SNAP OUT OF IT, you would know”
This is where Mr Pure O isn’t a very nice thing, it will yap on and on, thinking all sorts of things, nothing, and I MEAN NOTHING is rational. Absolutely everything is irrational, but because of the stress and anxiety everything seems so real! You no longer trust yourself because the whole “WHAT IF” thing happens.
So what do you do in this state? Well I’ve come a very very long way since that episode but at the time I needed reassurance (which I know isn’t the answer, but at the time it was a quick fix)
(ADVICE – When you choose a best friend, make sure you choose one that doesn’t care how stupid they sound or how weird they look, as long as they can pull you out of the darkest times into the light that’s all that matters to them)
My best friend strolled over to the Russian guy and asked him out right if he had kissed me, snogged me, done anything with me. He didn’t have a clue what was going on, (in fact I felt quite sorry for the guy) he didn’t speak a word of English but it was pretty clear he had no idea who I was, no idea who anyone was and he was just happy sipping his drink thinking of Corrie – That reassurance did the trick but it wasn’t the long term fix.
That’s the thing with reassurance, it’s not always healthy, the “WHAT IF” factor comes back and no matter how much reassurance you get from other, you are the only one that can stop it.
After months and months of false guilt and even now wondering if I did actually kiss the Russian guy, I’ve told myself that I know ‘me’ better than OCD does, my family and friends know me better than that thing, and my boyfriend knows me better than anything. It’s hard, like, really really hard, but over time we will learn to trust ourselves, we shouldn’t be scared to do the things our OCD makes us worry about, we shouldn’t stop doing anything because life really is too short. And who is this OCD to tell us what to do with our lives?
So until next time remember, while you are reading this someone is taking their last breath wishing they were you. Grab that little OCD thing and kick it where it hurts, show it that laughter and happiness is the biggest weapon.
Do you have any stories that you can now look back on and laugh?